In the last year and a half, I’ve experienced emotions all over the spectrum. After finding a good mix of medication, therapy and hobbies, I was in a good place with my recovery. However, a myriad of events in the last year and a half added on, until this point where I find myself searching for a slightly different path.

Moving to a different state, difficult goodbyes, a not-so-ideal living situation, buying a home, moving again, a toxic work environment, leaving ministry, beginning a new job...adjusting...adjusting...adjusting.

All of this adjusting added more and more pressure until I began to crack my freshly healed shell. My depression started showing through again, I started gaining more and more weight. I felt lost and overwhelmed. Today, after a day with my little family, I decided to check the scale...I am at my highest weight ever. This is extremely disappointing, though not surprising. For a month or so, clothing hasn’t fit correctly and I felt more uncomfortable than usual.

In the last two months, I have struggled a lot with identity and a lack of belonging. I have felt constantly exhausted, unmotivated and unable to focus. My memory and mental processes are not as sharp as they should be and it is extremely frustrating. Currently, I am working with a doctor to manage my medication, and I am also seeing a counselor to learn coping mechanisms. I do know, however, that I have to find the motivation to get moving to lose weight. I don’t know how I’ll do it, but I know I have to.

I have to keep fighting.

I’ll keep adjusting my path, my approach, so that I don’t lose my way and my hope.